Blame Canada
by Moczo
Summary: Ike/Soren, Modern AU. In which Soren is an analyst in important places and Ike is taken hostage. Except Ike can't pull off the role of hostage and the kidnappers are barely competent...
1. Chapter 1

Kink meme prompt: _Ike/Soren, Modern AU. In which Soren is an analyst in important places and Ike is taken hostage. __Except Ike can't pull off the role of hostage, the kidnappers are barely competent and succeed (somehow flawlessly) in kidnapping him in the first place by a stroke of luck, and the top secret data that Soren not-so-reluctantly trades for Ike ends up being useless._

I got about halfway through, as you can see, and I can't think of how this can end. But maybe you can help me!

* * *

Agent Longshot and Agent Fencer were sitting in a tree outside of a hotel room. They were arguing and pointedly not looking through the window.

"I can't believe you forgot to poison him!" Agent Longshot snapped.

Agent Fencer was suitably embarrassed. "I didn't mean to forget… Please don't tell the Silver-Haired Maiden!"

Agent Longshot was glaring as he pulled out a cell phone, intent on doing just that. "She has to know that YOU failed our mission. I told you that she should have sent S-"

"Agent Whisper!"

" – othe but NO, she had to send YOU."

"And you! You're here too!"

"Yeah but my job was to distract them while you poisoned him! Which I DID. And why do you insist on using codenames when it's just the two of us! And – are you staring at them having sex?"

"More interesting than your lecture," Ed – Agent Fencer muttered.

Agent Longshot sighed, giving up.

* * *

As all good things must, eventually sex faded to a pleasant sated lull. "We're not on vacation," Soren muttered, debating on cleaning up. But Ike was obviously comfortable…

"Yeah yeah I know, investigate the leads, whatever." Ike kissed where he'd earlier bit.

Soren was starting to feel gross. "Get off. I need to clean up."

"Nope," Ike cooed.

"Ike, I'm lying in my own semen."

He finally rolled off, stretching and smirking. "Better clean it up before you use it to catch you."

"Oh shut up." Soren walked to the bathroom, wetting a wash cloth. As he wiped his stomach, Ike rushed by and knelt at the toilet.

"Told you that the spicy beef looked suspicious," Soren said.

Ike vomited up their takeout. Soren finally leaned over and began to clean him as well. "You know I can't resist..." He gagged.

"I've never seen you get food poisoning. Which is impressive considering how your sister cooks."

Ike laughed before retching.

Soren sighed, not entirely sure what to do. "Shall I go get you some medicine?"

"Nyah, I'm a federal agent, I can handle anything Chinese!" Despite the honesty of his declaration, he still doubled over again.

Soren stood up. "Just take deep breaths. I'll be back shortly." He glanced into the toilet morbidly, winced and nearly gagged himself, before hurriedly getting dressed and leaving.

* * *

Agents Longshot and Fencer, precariously perched on that tree still, could not believe their luck.

"Maybe I didn't forget to poison his food," Fencer said optimistically.

"You're holding the full bottle."

"... Oh."

"Well anyway, he's alone and sick, so let's kidnap him!"

* * *

Despite the fact that Ike was nearly delirious, it still took Edward and Leonardo fifteen minutes to get him out of the room.

When Soren came back the door was still open and Ike was nowhere to be found. Used at this point to his partner's nonsensical and emotional reactions, he just hoped Ike had had enough sense to put on some pants before he left.

* * *

"Why is he naked?" asked Micaiah, covering Sothe's eyes.

"Because he's super heavy, even without clothes!" Edward pointed out. Leonardo just looked embarrassed.

Suddenly Ike got up and sprinted to the corner, vomiting.

"Ew," Laura whined.

"Regardless, we should tie him up, and put some pants on him," Micaiah sniffed.

Eventually Ike steeled himself to be able to sit up, so they dressed him in some of Nolan's old clothes and strapped him in a chair. "Two questions," he said cheerfully. "One, who're you all, and two, do you have anything to eat? I'm starving."

As their leader, Micaiah grandly proclaimed, "We are the Dawn Brigade!"

"A notorious group of freedom fighters fighting to undermine the American superiority complex!" Edward added grandiosely.

"We're from Canada, eh," Leonardo finished.

"Awwww," said Ike.

That gave his kidnappers pause. "What's so cute about that?" Micaiah demanded. "We're nefarious! We'll do anything to achieve our goals, even... even kill people!"

The other members awkwardly looked amongst themselves, considering they'd never done such a thing.

"Canada," Ike cooed. "You're a group of Canadian terrorists! That's just adorable!"

"That's racist, eh," said Nolan awkwardly. "Just so you know."

Ike giggled.

"Stop that, please, eh."

"Heeheehee!"

"Never mind!" Micaiah shouted, losing her patience. "The point is that your boyfriend has important information that could lead to our capture, so he will be turning it over to us or you will meet a heinous fate!"

"That's not very nice," Ike chided. "We weren't even here to capture you."

Micaiah's huff showed how much she believed him. However, then Sothe stepped into the light. "If not us, then who are you here for?"

"Oh, hey Sothe! Haven't seen you since you left! I didn't know you were from (heeheehee) Canada."

"Yeah, well, I am. So, who is it?"

Ike was all seriousness as he replied, "A nasty piece of work. He cut through six Secret Service agents, even kidnapping one, trying to assassinate President Crimea. He got away though and he's been sporadically killing people across the country, but we finally tracked him here. Ashnard the Mad."

Edward screamed and hid behind Nolan. The rest of the Dawn Brigade looked at each other; the way Ike's entire demeanor had changed to be so incredibly serious left no room for doubting if he was telling the truth.

"Regardless," Micaiah said at length, "I'm still calling Soren. We might as well get what the Americans have on us."

* * *

By the time Soren got the phone call, the hotel room had been cleaned spotless and germ-free, and Soren himself was in an awful mood. When he saw Ike was calling him, he answered on the first ring. "Where. Are. You."

"Hello, Soren. Ike can't talk right now, but I think you'll be interested in what *I* have to say."

Oh. Instantly Soren shoved his emotions back in the box they'd been in before he'd met Ike. "I'm listening."

"Good. I want all the data the American government has on the Dawn Brigade. I want it all on an encryption-free data CD. I want the originals completely erased - to them it will be as if we've never existed. If you show up at exactly midnight in three days, all requirements met, your lover and partner will be released to you. If you don't, he will die. Do you understand?"

"Yes." Think about the consequences later. "Where is the meeting location?"

There was a long pause. "I'll get back to you on that. Here's Ike to beg for his life."

"Hey Soren!"

He let out a sigh of relief. At least Ike sounded unharmed. "Hey yourself."

"Don't worry about me – ow! Hey! Some people, geez… The point is I'm fine – owwwww quit hitting me!"

There were voices in the background.

"Fiiiiine, geez. Ahem. 'Oh Soren, please rescue me, I'm so scared, the Dawn Brigade is super scary, eh!' OW QUIT HITTING ME! How'd you like it if I hit you whenever YOU tried talking to your boyfriend? Canadians are supposed to be polite!"

More voices in the background. Soren had contact embarrassment. _Please no **Hetalia** references..._

"Well yeah. Canada is America's polite adorkable twin!"

Soren pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Ow! Come on! Aaaanyway, Soren, love ya babe, don't worry about me."

He sighed. "Love you too. Don't worry about it, I'll save you."

"Awww, thanks."

"By the way, are you still naked?"

"This is hardly a good time for phone sex…"

Soren pinched harder, sighing. "Never mind."

The phone went dead.

* * *

Everyone has their guilty pleasures. Soren's was Starbucks. He hated the idea of it – a chain which made fatty beverages and charged too much for them. But if they ever took away his venti café mochas, he'd probably die. So he sat in Starbucks nursing his drink and typing away furiously into his laptop.

Espresso for caffeine, chocolate for stress relief. Everything has a reason.

Soren was a computer genius; he'd been conscripted into government service when he'd been caught hacking into their systems. That had been ten years ago. Training had turned Soren into a hyper-competent forensic analyst.

Conversely, Ike's father had been the head of the FBI until his untimely death. Ike was not his father's equal, but he was still good enough to justify his permit into the force. The fact that his father's killer was still around made some people (namely Shinon, who really didn't like him anyway) wary, but Ike was single-mindedly determined and when he truly wanted something, he got it.

Like how he'd pursued Soren. The two, having opposing strengths and weaknesses, had been made partners early on. Despite Soren's intent on not allowing anyone close enough – he'd been burned enough times, and he didn't see the need for a partner in any sense of the word – Ike hadn't given him a choice in the matter. Which leads to their present situation, where Soren is in love with Ike and all his obfuscating stupidity and will do anything for him, even treason. And that is why he's sitting in a coffee shop and hacking into a government account without so much as a twinge of guilt.

He sighed in relief – there was an entry for the Dawn Brigade in the database. He copied it onto the CD and deleted it from the system. He didn't care what the file said.

There. Easy enough. Sipping his mocha, he called Ike's cell phone.

* * *

Ike had been kidnapped before. That had been Hell on Earth, because not only had he feared for his own life, but he'd watched his father…

Well, anyway, in comparison, this was downright fun, and he had decided to make the best of it.

From what he could tell, there were seven of them. Micaiah was incredibly patriotic and surprisingly hardcore. Sothe was there for Micaiah, although Ike couldn't tell if it was romantic or sibling-y. Nolan looked tough but was quite gentle. Edward was just excited to be there. Leonardo felt silly. Laura was the nice one, and Aran was there for Laura.

They were in a warehouse that was just barely too cold to be comfortable. Ike had been tied up but he'd managed to free both hands without anyone noticing. They hadn't bothered to tie up his feet.

"Guys I have had this song stuck in my head like all day. Don't you hate when that happens? Especially when you don't know the words? Can I sing? Thanks. 'I'm beautiful in my way 'cause God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track baby I was born this way! Don't something something in regret, just love yourself something something-'"

A boot (heeheee, _aboot_) collided with his head. "Knock it off!"

He put on his best puppy dog look, the one that got him everywhere with Soren. "But I'm bored! You shouldn't have given Soren so much time. Knowing him, he's got your data already. So don't be a drag, just be a queen!"

His cell phone rang even as another boot was thrown at him. He'd wanted a catchy rock anthem to be his ringtone, but Soren had vetoed that and now he had just a normal ring. Micaiah answered it. "Hello? … Yes…. All right… A warehouse on 12th street… east, not west… but um… Hey, don't backtalk me!" Sothe reported the correct address and she relayed it to Soren. "Got it? Okay, see you in a few!" She hung up. "Your boyfriend is - hey where did he go?"

* * *

Ike hadn't been able to sprint directly to the exit as he'd wished, but the back rooms of the warehouse were enough of a maze that he'd had no doubt he could escape while they searched for him. The trick was getting out before Soren arrived, just in case they retaliated against him. "'Don't be a drag, just be a queen, whether you're broke or evergreen…'"

He could hear yelling, which made it easier for him to avoid them. Really, these guys were just bad -

He was tackled to the ground, arms behind his back. "Sorry," Nolan apologized.

Ike scowled at himself - his cockiness had gotten him in trouble again. "No problem," he muttered. "Also, sorry."

"Huh? For what?"

Ike slammed his head back, catching Nolan's nose with the back of his head. The other man let out a muffled groan of pain, and Ike sprinted from the room.

* * *

Soren arrived at the warehouse, every inch the composed professional: suit on, briefcase in hand, CD in the other.

(In another time and place, he calmly would have opened a tome of arcane technique and single-handedly slaughtered those who would dare touch his Ike.)

Before he could make himself known, however, Ike climbed down the tree nearby. "Hey!"

Soren smiled, relaxing. "I knew I needn't have bothered."

Ike jogged over and hugged him. "Yeah, but still, thanks."

Soren, despite himself, let out a weighted sigh and leaned into him. "I-"

The door to the warehouse burst open. "Ha… ha… we caught you…" Micaiah gasped.

"They were nice to me," Ike said. "Except for the hitting. Maybe you could give them their info anyway?"

"No."

"Aww Soooreeen."

"No."

"Sooooreeeeen."

"No."

Soren felt something cold press to his temple. "How about you give us what we want or I kill you," Sothe suggested rather sweetly.

He didn't flinch at all. This wasn't his first time with a lethal weapon in his personal space and it likely wouldn't be the last. He had to decide if the disk in his hand was worth his life, and that's all it came down to. Despite the look in Ike's eyes that implied so much more…

"Soren, give him the disk," Ike pleaded oh so softly.

_Always far too emotional_, Soren thought, touched. He calmly handed the disk over, because Ike had told him to. Sothe snatched it and backed away quickly, and Soren found himself blocked from view by his much larger paramour.

"So we done here?" Ike asked coldly, no longer the affable kidnapee.

The rest of the Dawn Brigade by this point had made their way outside to see the victorious Sothe, the panting Micaiah and the defensive Ike. Not for the first time Soren cursed his height or lack thereof, as he'd really like to give these people a piece of his mind, but that was hard when he couldn't see them.

"Wait," said Laura tentatively, "Maye we can help each other out. You said you want to take Ashnard the Mad, right? You got us the data, so maybe we can help you, if you want." She looked to Micaiah. "Right?"

Micaiah did not look convinced. "But… …. Ashnard is Canadian…"

"He's a mass murderer!" Leonardo protested. "We don't love Canada ithat/i much, do we?"

"We do!"

"I'm half Canadian," Soren offered.

* * *

"So wait, you're half Canadian, half Swiss, and you work for the American government?" Aran asked later that night.

"That's not even all of it," Soren replied, blasé. "Ashnard the Mad is actually my biological father."

Before Aran could respond: "_DUDE YOUR DAD IS A SERIAL KILLER? THAT IS SO COOL! CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?_"

"We're going to kill his dad," Nolan reminded Edward gently, "He's probably not in the mood…"

"All right team, we're going to catch Ashnard by using his only son as bait!" Micaiah proclaimed.

"I'm not his only son. My twin brother is named Pelleas."

Ike had met Soren's shy, gawky brother before, and to say that they were _related_ was a shock to most people. "Wait a minute, Pelleas is your twin?"

"Identical," Soren deadpanned.

"Well, considering I never figured you were related, I think saying you're 'identical' is sarcasm…"

"Congratulations, Ike. After a relationship of four years, you've finally started to figure out when I'm being sarcastic."


	2. Chapter 2

And now the thrilling conclusion! (I am becoming a huge fan of Pelleas. The odd duck.)

* * *

"Anyway, I don't agree with this plan," Ike said, addressing Micaiah. "Soren will not be put in danger again."

"How were _you_ planning on capturing Ashnard then?" Micaiah demanded, looking put-out that Ike wasn't agreeing with her. "Surely there was a reason your government sent his own son after him. There must be some sentimental value! So if we leave Soren alone in an alleyway, Ashnard will come to see him!"

"But more importantly," Edward interjected while Leonardo smacked his own forehead in resigned embarrassment, "we need you two to get codenames. I vote Agent Spikey, and Agent Snarky."

Ike and Soren both stared at him. "Agent Snarky? Really? That's what you came up with?" Soren snapped at him, "And since you seem to have forgotten, we _are_ actual agents, so we have actual codenames, and no we aren't going to share them with you."

Edward pouted. "You're now Agent Jerkass."

"Anyhow," Sothe said loudly, hoping to get attention back on him, "we can use Soren as the bait to a cunning trap that will prevent Ashnard from actually getting to him, if it really bothers you that much, Ike."

"It does." Ike looked at Soren to see if he was agreeing with any of this.

Soren sighed. "Fair enough. I suppose putting him behind bars will be the ultimate filling of my sonly duty…"

* * *

And so that dark and stormy midnight, Soren sat alone on a park bench reading, the others scattered all around. Ike refused to go too far and was in fact attempting to hide underneath the bench.

"Hi Soren!"

Soren looked up, and then sighed. "Do I dare ask what you're doing here?"

Pelleas smiled from underneath his umbrella. "I'm here to catch Father. Mother has been fretting for weeks because of him, you know, and I decided I would be brave and do something about it. Thank you for telling me he was in this particular city!"

Soren closed his book, resigned to this conversation. "Mother has been fretting about him for years. You know he only decided to assassinate President Crimea because Mother wouldn't stop complaining about how she wanted Father to run for President."

"True, but that was only after she found out that he killed Grandfather Daein and inherited all that money and land in Quebec."

"Which he did because she wouldn't stop complaining about his inheritance."

"Which _she_ did because he wouldn't get a job." He looked thoughtful and then amended, "A wholesome job."

"A hit-man is a perfectly acceptable job."

"Why do you always defend him?"

"Because if I didn't he would probably murder me."

"Ah. Good point." Pelleas chuckled weakly. "Well, he could be worse. That's why I'm here to pick him up. Besides, it's raining out, and you know he gets grumpy when he gets sick. Big baby acts like he's dying."

"Just like all men," scoffed Micaiah from her perch in a nearby tree. Pelleas didn't hear her over the rain, thankfully. He also didn't hear when Laura and Micaiah exchanged high-fives.

"Er, Pelleas," Soren began awkwardly, "I… well, despite what I told you before I left, I wasn't hired to bring Father home."

He tilted his head in curiosity. "Oh?"

"I was actually hired…" Soren gave a resigned sigh and soldiered on, "to kill him while making it look like he didn't give me a choice in the matter."

Pelleas gasped. Ike, listening in horror, wondered how someone could be _that_ naïve. (Little did he know that, in another time and place, Pelleas would have been manipulated by someone who was one step away from killing kittens while wearing a sticker saying "Hi My Name is EVIL" on his chest). "But, Soren, Mother made it very clear that she wants him to come home-"

"Ha, I knew the old bitch still missed me!"

Ike had to bite down on his tongue hard to remind himself that getting up now would just put Soren in more danger. Let him talk Ashnard down a bit first, assuage his suspicions and lower his guard…

Ashnard the Mad had passed down little in the way of genetics to his two sons, which was very apparent when Soren stood up and the three faced each other; Ashnard towered over both of them in both height and build, and while Pelleas had the same hair color, Soren bore the man no resemblance at all. He also sounded very amused, despite the rain and the fact that he was on the run; Soren never sounded that happy, and Pelleas seemed far too polite to be so expressive. And, well, of course, Ashnard was a murderer, Pelleas was a sweetheart and Soren was, while not exactly pleasant, hardly wanted by multiple governments for the murder of innocents and attempted assassination attempts.

"You know she hates it when you call her that," Pelleas admonished.

Ashnard laughed. "Your mother hates everything," he said, sounding proud of her for that. "And boys, I have to say, good job figuring out where I was. I know I probably shouldn't have shown myself anyway, but who am I to not say hi to my sons? Besides, there's plenty of people too weak to live, and who better to help me weed out the pansies than my own kids?"

Pelleas blushed. Soren looked uncomfortable. "Actually, Father, I do have a job, a rather prestigious one…."

Ashnard shook his head, a little morosely. "I still can't believe you waste your raw potential serving a dysfunctional government. You'd better watch yourself, boy, lest you become one of the lessers clogging up the world."

"Father, Mother wants you to come home-"

"My point was that I've been hired to kill you!"

The huge man looked shocked before laughing, a cross between hysterical and maniacal. "And the boy seeks to become a man! Very well, if you can take me, then so be it!" And then Ashnard pulled out a sword that dwarfed both of his sons but seemed to be appropriately-sized in his grip.

Ike couldn't take it anymore. He rolled out from underneath the park bench, trying as gracefully as he could to get off the ground and get between this behemoth and his boyfriend. Suffice to say, it wasn't very graceful at all, and Ike was lucky that Ashnard was too focused on the two boys rather than Ike crawling out of the darkness.

Ashnard charged his sons, swinging the blade and forcing the two to run to avoid being hit. Soren reached into his coat and pulled out a gun, taking aim even as he ran backwards. Before he could shoot, however, a projectile from a nearby tree landed in front of Ashnard, covering him and a good deal of area with smoke.

Ike vaguely wondered when Sothe became kind of a badass. Not a full badass, mind, but kind of one. The smoke bomb had been his, and as the target took precious seconds to reconfigure himself, Sothe and the rest of the Dawn Brigade prepared themselves for battle. Ike took the time to get to Soren, check him over just in case, and get ready for Ashnard to collect himself. Pelleas was hiding behind Soren, which was sort of like hiding behind a particularly short bush.

"Are you all ready to pose?" Micaiah demanded of her Brigade. The answer was a group of disheartened groans, even from Edward. "Oh come on you guys! We have to pose! We make a maple leaf, remember? We practiced for hours!"

By that time Ashnard had stomped his way out of the smoke cloud, not even coughing. "Hello there," he said, sickeningly sweet with a manic expression, looking over the Dawn Brigade like a ravenous wolf looks over adorable juicy sheep. "It's been awhile since I murdered an entire group at once!"

Laura screamed and ran.

"ASHNARD!" screamed a shrill, feminine voice.

Everyone turned to look at the regal-looking woman striding down the cobblestone effortlessly while still making it look as if she could make everything set on fire with her rage if pressed. She was refined, carrying an umbrella worth more than a few of these people in a slave ring, and she was also wielding a powerful Taser.

Not that anyone knew that until she Tased Ashnard in the face. His loud protests made it very clear he did not appreciate that, and he did try to fight her, but she had the advantage. "You can't just go killing everyone!" she complained as she wrestled him into a restrictive hold and started to drag him off. "I told you already to just stick with the peasants outside our house!"

Pelleas stood up straight and let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, Mother," he gushed happily.

Almedha bustled Ashnard into a limousine and gestured for the driver to start off into the night.

Soren's right eye was twitching. "That was your mom?" Ike asked him, peering at the retreating vehicle. "She's scary."

"She-"

"So we didn't really succeed in putting a murderer behind bars, but he's kind of in a worse place," Leonardo voiced tentatively. "Why don't we say we won?"

And so they did.

* * *

Ike and Soren went to file their report that Ashnard himself had been kidnapped, but that the kidnapper had been antagonistic and it was unlikely he'd show himself again. It wasn't much, but it was better than returning empty handed.

Pelleas excitedly signed up with the Dawn Brigade despite not really knowing what they were doing. He did love Canada, though. Besides, he thought Micaiah was really pretty, and smart, and courageous – oh so courageous! – and…

"Let's see what we actually did get from the Americans," Micaiah said, nodding to Aran. He, being their technological expert, loaded the CD into his laptop and started to read over the information as was presented in a Word document.

At length, he started to look embarrassed.

"What's wrong?" Laura asked kindly, trying to look over his shoulder. He turned the monitor so she couldn't see.

Finally Micaiah ordered him to share the information. He calmly got up and walked away, leaving the laptop on the table.

The entire document read as follows:

_PROPERTY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA_

_**CONFIDENTIAL**_

_INDEX OF TERRORIST GROUPS_

Dawn Brigade

Origin: Canada

Membership: Seven; 2 females, 5 males

Notes: Awwwwwwww. _Canada_.

Micaiah was not amused. The rest of the Dawn Brigade, however, was, at least a little bit, so all was well.


End file.
